My Husband Made Me Eat It
Hey! What Does a Girl Have to Do to Get a Compliment?
Know what I loved about losing weight? The compliments! For the first thirty or so pounds, even I could see little difference. Nobody said anything. Then my weight loss began to be noticeable. By the time I moved from obese to just overweight, people made favorable comments regularly.
When I left overweight for “normal,” some of the compliments began to change to warnings, but I knew I had nothing to fear, and I loved the attention. My skin sagged, but with the right clothes, I looked terrific.
There was just one person who held back any compliments. That was my husband. He congratulated me when my blood pressure dropped so low I had to stop taking those pills I had taken for years. He watched my blood sugar drop back from diabetic levels to healthy ones and cheered. He congratulated me when the doctor, with some surprise, determined I no longer needed statins for high cholesterol. But he never said, “Wow! You look great!”
Before I met him, back when I was a lonely widow looking for another great partner in living, I had lost a lot of weight. Lots more men found me worth talking to you. I was so uncomfortable with this. How could I sort out the shallow ones from the ones who found the real me more interesting than my waistline?
I had to do this.
Fortunately, I had put my fat suit back on before I met Ed, so I knew he valued me. Now I wanted him to value my waistline, too. It was 14 inches smaller than when I married him, and I thought this deserved at least a wolf whistle from the man who shared my bed.
When I got none, I pouted. How could anyone fail to appreciate such a large change? It has to be the skin, I thought.
When I wear short sleeves, our four-year-old granddaughter wobbles the skin hanging down from my upper arm and laughs. I once contemplated using butterfly clips to shape the extra skin on my belly into the daisy logo from my blog. I hated the thought that perhaps thin did not count; skin did.
Whenever a spouse or life partner’s behavior is upsetting, I teach people to assume love and take a second look. I had to do this. What if Ed still loves me as much as ever and, with love, chooses not to compliment me on my weight loss? How might I explain his choice?
What could he be lovingly protecting me from? Ah, yes, criticism! Any compliment on my current size would signal dissatisfaction with any other size. He has no way of controlling whether I stay thin. Wise man – I have already put back on some of the pounds, and this is a daily struggle.
If my husband says, “This is better,” then any backsliding is, by definition, worse. He skillfully avoids trick questions like, “Do these pants make me look fat?” This fishing for a compliment on my weight loss is another trick question. He cannot win by answering it. He has no control over what happens to my weight next. All he can do is love me as he has always loved me.
And what can I do about this? I can seek compliments elsewhere. I can put on my most flattering outfit and visit people who have not seen me for a while. I can do a before and after fashion show for my Weight Watchers® group, stuffing blankets into my clothes from 130 pounds ago.
I can go meet new people and wait for them to say something about “thin people like you.” I can try on some outrageous outfit while shopping with a friend.
Any of these works better than dredging for compliments from someone who wants to protect me from pain. He never wants me to think he loves me any less than the day he asked me to share my life with him.
I’m OK with this. I’m also still open to your suggestions of where to look for compliments on getting healthy and staying there.
…assume love and take a second look. Wonderful advice!!! Stops the hurt and anger in its tracks… makes it possible to ask, ‘what is behind what you said?’ without stoking the fire. Thank you for this insightful article.
I must admit to a similar struggle with my boyfriend, I know he loves me, he shows it in so many ways, but not with compliments on my appearance. Like you, I’m not fishing in that pond any more, and I try to be OK with a self-compliment, or those random compliments from strangers and friends (certain outfits seem to be especially compliment-worthy if I’m needing a boost!).
I recently took a class on “crucial conversations” and there was a similar line to your assume love and take a second look, which was “why would a reasonable, rational person do this?” It takes the sting out of what could be hurtful, and lets you put it in another context. The rationale you have created for your husbands lack of compliments fits so well with my boyfriends as well, it must be tricky for a man to walk through that minefield of comments that could be taken badly!
I don’t need compliments any more from someone. I learned to forgive myself for having gained weight (I know what circumstances lead up to that) and I know I was doing the best I could at that time. Now that the circumstances are changed, I was able to honor myself and my body and that had the wonderful side benefit of weight loss too. But I myself no longer look at myself through that looking glass so I figure that others follow my lead and instead continue to focus on the person that I really am.